Fear

Fear - the word itself almost creates fear!  Dictionary.com describes fear as "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined..."  Some synonyms for fear are: foreboding, apprehension, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, and horror. Max Lucado, in his book, Fearless, says, "Fear at its center, is a perceived loss of control."  

Fear definitely played a role in my grieving process.  As you know I was really struggling with accepting that George was really gone.  Why was it so difficult?  Fear.  Plain and simple, I think it was fear.   

In my heart of hearts, I knew that George had died.  True, I hadn't seen his body, but I knew his dear friends who were with him when he died would never make up such a horrific story.  At some point I came to realize that seeing the photos from the accident scene would not help me.  In fact, seeing them would probably have set me way back in any progress I was making.  

I was in denial.  Yes, I was.  And I knew I couldn't stay there.  It was time to move forward by admitting it and saying it out loud.  He wasn't going to come back.  

I knew George was in Heaven.  So what did I fear?   My fear really wasn't about protecting him anymore - my fear was about protecting me.   I didn't want to admit that he was dead.  I didn't want to face a future without him in it.  There were times when I would be crying and I would say, "Lord, I just want him back long enough to tell him goodbye."  But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I would never want him to leave his new Heavenly home.  

And guess what?  Over time - not overnight, but over time, it really started soaking in, like a slow steady rain, that I had been right all along!  George was not dead! He was more alive than he had ever been here on earth! And though I was facing the future without his physical presence, he was still very much with me!  The people we have loved so deeply always remain in our heart and in our memories, in sights and sounds and even in the people around us.  

Max goes on to share in his book, that the Gospels list about 125 Christ-issued imperatives.  Of these, 21 urge us to not be afraid.  So it's apparent that, Jesus takes our fears seriously.  

I pray that you will feel His touch and His words, "Arise, and do not be afraid." (Matthew 17:7).  Remember that He is our Light!  Keep looking and moving forward my friends!  Please don't let fear keep you in a dark place. Remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

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Secret Weapon

Yesterday's post was on toxic relationship.  If you haven't read it yet, you may want to catch up before reading today's post. So, what can we do if we are in a toxic relationship?  Today, I have invited a special guest to help answer that question.

When Betsy invited me to guest blog on the topic of "toxic relationships", there was no hesitation on my part.  Having been a psychotherapist in private practice for the past 20 years, I was very familiar with what I deemed as "toxic relationships"; individuals in what most know as co-dependent relationships.

Toxicity kills, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...but one can be assured when continuing in a toxic relationship the end result is never pleasant.

It is vital for individuals whose aim is happiness in life to embrace the reality they possess the secret weapon for expending themselves of "toxic relationships", "co-dependency", or relationships with those I also have termed "faux friends".  What is this secret weapon?  CONTROL OF SELF. This is our one greatest tool in correcting any such relationship...we have control only of self....no one else.  Claiming this control provides us the power to set ourselves apart from manipulating, selfish, narcissistic individuals who wish to consume us.

Take control of your life....a chore by no means simple....but necessary for individual freedom.

Dr. Jim Harryman PhD, LPC,  NBCC.



Now that we know what the secret weapon is, I pray we will all have the courage to use it!  Keep moving forward on this journey called life and be prepared to catch some rays, because there is,

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

To read encouraging daily posts by Dr. Harryman, you can visit his blog or Facebook page, Calender Books by Allen James.  You find them by clicking on the links provided on the right side of this post.  Thanks AJ!

Toxic Relationships And Stink Bait

Ok, I'm getting on my soapbox today.  Mainly for myself and if it helps you too, then good!  

As far as I know, there really isn't a clinical term for toxic relationships, (maybe someone with their Phd in counseling can help me out on that) but nevertheless, toxic relationships, can definitely be hazardous to your emotional health, creating anxiety, stress, and probably even depression.  And when our emotional health suffers for a long period of time, usually our physical health suffers as well.

Here, what I think, is good description of a toxic relationship, by Clinton W. McLemore, Phd.  

Clinton W. McLemore, PhD, author of Toxic Relationships and How to Change Them: Health and Holiness and Everyday Life. “Think of a scale — from nourishing on one end to toxic on the other. [A toxic relationship is with] someone who continually throws you surprises or curves, keeps you off balance, raises your anxiety for no apparent reason, and leaves you feeling badly about yourself.”

Yep, that sounds about right to me.  We can be in toxic relationships with coworkers, a boss, friends, family member and/or significant other.  I chose "and/or" because I think there is the potential for any relationship to be toxic. Now, you all know I don't have a degree in psychology, I'm just speaking about what I have observed over many years of living.  

I know I've spoken about this before in a previous post, but this morning, I was unintentionally briefly in the middle of a situation that practically screamed "toxic relationship."  I've been in them.  You have too.  Sometimes we can be part of the problem.  I would imagine we all bring some level of toxicity into a relationship ourselves.  But, I'm talking about the kind of toxicity that that Dr. McLemore describes above.  And I'm talking from personal experience.  Having a relationship with someone who "continually" throws unwanted surprises or curves at you which keep you off balance and leaves you feeling badly about yourself stinks.   I've experienced a few of these relationships in my lifetime.  I'll reference my fishing experience here. They are as stinky as stink bait.  And if you've ever used it before you know it stinks enough to cause a gag reflex if you get too big of a whiff.  

So what do we do if we find ourselves in this type of unhealthy relationship? Well, more on that later.  Just know that we must not let someone else determine our happiness or lack thereof.  Life is just too darned short!  Now, I'm going four-wheeling with my kids for awhile.  Wanna come?  You might just catch a glimpse of that

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

Happy Birthday

I remember talking to George on his birthday, February 14, 2010, just two months before his death.  I asked him how it had been.  He said it had been fine.  He had his little daughter that day and even though she was only three, she knew it was his birthday.  He bought his own birthday cake so she could celebrate with him.  (You'll recall that he was separated at this time.)  I felt a tug on my heart strings and a lump in my throat.  I remember telling, him, "Well, this will be the last year you will have to do that.  Momma is gonna be there for your next birthday and I'll make whatever kind of cake you want!"  

The recollection of that phone conversation was coming to my mind frequently as his next birthday drew closer.  And the lump in my throat was bigger and the tug on my heart strings was tighter.  

I always put together something special for Valentines Day (February 14) for my children.  And this year was no different, except we were supposed to be celebrating George's birthday with him.  And he wasn't there.  I promised my boy a cake.  And I followed through.  We sang happy birthday to him as I tried my best to hold back the tears.  I'm pretty sure he saw us and that he was smiling.  And after cake and ice cream and after the kids got their Valentine goodies, I went to my bedroom to cry my eyes out.  And I slept.

I have to tell you, that my journey has taught me and continues to teach me many, many things.  Some lessons are oh, so hard.  Some lessons don't "take" good the first time and we have to go through refresher courses from time to time which can be unpleasant.  All to often we seem to repeat the same mistakes.   But had someone thrown the phrase out to me three years ago, that "life goes on," I would have bitten my tongue to keep from throwing some choice phrases back to them.  

The truth is, life does go on, with our without our loved one.  How it goes depends on us.  And it's a choice we have to make every single day.  There is light to be found, but we have to seek for it, so remember to keep looking for the 

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

How Busy Are You?

Busy, busy, busy! In today's world, it seems that it is our goal to keep ourselves as busy as possible.  There are so many opportunities to keep us that way.  And it's almost become a challange to see who can boast the most about how exhausted they are from running here and there.  Instead of choosing one activity to be involved in, we choose several.  And if our children aren't involved in every opportunity that comes around, then we somehow have bought into the idea that we are bad parents or even worse, our children won't like us!  Heaven forbid!

Hmmm, let me do some Betsy analysis on this for a few minutes.  It is good for us to be involved in our community and church.  It is good for our children to be involved in extracurricular activities.  However, when we are so busy that we have no time for meal times together around the table, and we don't have time to do just simple family activities together, and when we've involved our children in so many activities that we have had to rob Peter to pay Paul, just to keep up the image of being the greatest parent ever, I think it may be time to rethink things.  

  

Here's  another thought.  Maybe we like to stay on the go to avoid dealing with issues in our lives and home that desperately need our attention.  If we continue to neglect them, those issues are only going to worsen.  Another problem I can see with committing to too many activities is that it spreads us so thin that we can't really give our best to each of them.  Maybe it is better to choose one activity and do it well than to choose several and only do a half-way job on each of them.

You may be wondering what this has to do with grief.  Well, it can have a lot to do with it.   I have found that staying busy can be beneficial to stave off some of the depression that goes along with grief.  Staying in contact with people and the world around us helps us realize that we are not the only one experiencing pain and sorrow.  But be aware, that staying too busy keeps us from dealing with the issues surrounding the loss.  We simply cannot heal if we don't give ourselves some quiet time to really reflect on our loss.  The loss happened, and the longer we deny it, the longer it will take us to move forward.  

You should know by now, that I'm not saying that going through the grief process is easy, but I am saying it is necessary.  We need to keep a healthy balance in our lives - whether we are grieving a loss or not.  And hey, if we stay too busy, we are going to miss out on the 

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings!

Betsy

Discombobulated

I love the word "discombobulated."  It's just a fun word to say.  However it is not a fun way to feel - confused, upset, frustrated.  Some synonyms for discombobulated are addled, shaken, thrown, undone.  If you were to look the word up in the dictionary, it may very well have my picture next to it.  Hey, maybe your picture is there too!  

We probably all feel this way at least once a day.  However, when you are constantly in a state of discombobulation it can really be emotionally draining. This was the state I found myself in as my counseling continued.  

I continued to struggle with needing to see proof of some kind that my son was actually gone.  I had found out that the clothes he had been wearing at the time of the accident were now gone.  There went that idea.  So, what was left?  I contemplated this for awhile and decided that perhaps I could request from the Highway Patrol the photos from the scene of the accident.  It would be a gruesome set of photos, I had no doubt about that.  But it would also give me what I wanted - proof.  But, wait, did I really want proof?  Did I really want some sort of closure?  Having that proof might mean I had to let him go. Could I really do that?  I had a decision to make.

Life altering decisions can be difficult.  And sometimes, the more we mull over them the more discombobulated we get. Oh, don't get me wrong, the decisions we make in life need to be thought out very well. We've all heard that when we are facing a life changing decision that it can be helpful to make a list of the pros and cons.  Maybe sometimes we need to wait before moving forward, sometimes we might need to go a different direction, and sometimes we just need to stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong and think about all the things that could go right and forge ahead.  Straddling the fence can get painful after a while and gets us nowhere.   I believe it's important, when facing a difficult choiceto pray about it and seek counsel from people whose judgement we trust.  But ultimately we are the ones that have to make that final decision.  

If you are struggling with a decision, maybe this quote from author, Max Lucado will encourage you, it did me!  "Life is short.  Time slips.  Days pass. Years fade.  Life ends.  And what we came to do must be done while there is time!"   Don't forget my friends, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

Butting Heads

Sometimes I wish I had written this blog under a pen name. There are so many things that play a huge factor in my grieving process that I cannot share without causing hurt or offending a few people.  I can say there has been a great amount of pain and disappointment since George's death that I have had to learn to step away from.

So for today, let's talk about hard headed people.  We can all be hard headed about some things.  But I bet you know at least one person in your life who just seems to be hard headed about everything.  If you are lacking this kind of relationship in your life, I don't want you to miss out!   Please leave your email address in the comment area below and for the amazingly low price of $19.95 I will put you in touch with not just one, but I'll throw in a second one for free.  (Smile and a Wink) 

Maybe it is a family member.  Maybe it is a friend.  Maybe it is a co-worker.   Have mercy, can they ever be a pain!  I knew someone a long time ago who had a favorite saying, "why, he's so hard headed, he would argue with a stop sign."   

I'm game for a good thought provoking and friendly debate on an interesting topic.  But I just really don't enjoy butting heads with people.  It just seems to waste so much energy, time, and emotion.  And all either person ends up with is a sore head.  

George could debate - if you knew him you know I am speaking the truth! That boy could debate just about any issue and was extremely convincing.  You could be prepared to change your opinion about the topic after debating with him.  He had a teacher in high school, who shall remain nameless.  The kids did not like this particular class, nor this particular teacher.  She was a very opinionated person on most topics. George loved getting her distracted from the lesson plan for the day.  He would go into class with all his good looks and charm and ask her what she thought about a certain topic.  He, of course, would take the other side.  I'm told these debates would fill up the class time and proved to be hugely entertaining for his classmates.  Apparently this teacher could get quite flustered!  I would have loved to sit in on those classes!

Debating a subject is healthy if done in the right way.  We have to be willing to listen to another's opinion and think about it from their viewpoint.  It can challenge us to really think about the views we have held for so long and to question why we hold so strongly to them.  We might even find ourselves changing our minds.

Perhaps you are struggling with a hard head in your grieving process.  I know I have had to deal with a few.   There is a quote I love that says, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."  That is so awesome and so true! When you are in the midst of grieving, one of the last things you need is to spend your energy butting heads with someone. Sometimes, it is perfectly fine to just nicely step away for a period of time. 

I've told you before and I'll tell you again.  I am so very blessed to have to on this journey with me!  I love receiving your comments.  No matter where you are on your own personal journey, hang in there!  You will see the 

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

            Hey, Just Sayin'...

Walking the Tightrope

One of the things I kept discussing with my counselor was the fact that I never got to see George's body.  As I have said in earlier posts, in some ways I tried to convince myself that since I hadn't see him, maybe it wasn't him. Maybe this was still some big mistake.  This belief, I know, kept holding me back from really move forward in the grieving process.  If I couldn't get to the acceptance part of grieving, I was not going to get better.

I just kept feeling that I needed proof.  I was so emotionally fragile during this time, teetering and tottering like I was on a tightrope and feeling like any small slip up would send me falling, falling, falling, with no safety net beneath me.  

George's wife had kept the clothes and boots bagged up that George had been wearing during the accident.  I thought that maybe if I could see those, I would might be able to believe he was really gone, but I was scared to death to find out the truth - I was so determined to keep him with me!  So after my counselor and I discussed it at length, it was decided I would get them but wait to open the bag until I was in her office.

I sent a text to George's wife and she told me she no longer had his clothes. She had finally thrown them out.  Well.... that was not what I expected to hear, and I wasn't sure if I was relieved or disappointed. I've wondered about that quite a bit.  Was that God's way of protecting me from something that I would not have been able to handle?  I still don't know the answer to that.  

So, now what was I supposed to do?   The only thing I could do was continue to balance on that tight rope.  I know many people were praying for me.  And I know the Holy Spirit was interceding on my behalf when I didn't know how to pray.  Those prayers are what sustained me through the darkest time of my life.  I will always be thankful for prayer warriors who prayed me through this crisis in my life.  Prayers had woven a safety net not just under me, but all around me.  Never under estimate the power of prayer.  Never.  

If you need prayer, don't hesitate to ask for it.  And if you are asked to pray for someone, don't tell them you will unless you intend to follow through.  It's that important.  

One of my favorite scriptures is found in Philippians 4:6-7.  "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers.  If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.  His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus." (TLB)  I think all of us can use a little more peace, quiet, and rest in our hearts and lives.  Don't you?  Don't forget to look for that ray of

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

Fishing Anyone?

I think, had George been here, that he and I would have gone fishing today. He was going to be teaching his little brothers and sisters how to fish. That will be left up to me now.  I love catching fish and can usually out-fish the menfolk.  I don't mind baiting my own hook, but I admit I am a sissy girl when it comes to taking them off the hook.  That's probably why I can out-fish the menfolk - I keep them busy taking the fish off my hook and they have to neglect their lines!  

Sometimes when you fish, you will catch one that is not a keeper and it has to be thrown back in.  I think memories can be like that.  Some are keepers and some are not.  When we lose a loved one, some memories can be a blessing and a comfort while others can have a negative impact on our grieving process.  For example, maybe they create in us a sense of guilt, shame, even anger.  We can become "hooked" onto those feelings far too long.  They can keep us flipping and flopping on the ground wearing us down emotionally, mentally, and physically.  We must deal with them, then unhook ourselves from them.  Only when we do, can we move steadily upstream.

We may be tempted from time to time, to go back and nibble a bit on the bait of guilt, shame, or anger.  We just need to be careful not to fall for it hook, line, and sinker.  Instead we need to embrace the good times we shared. They will soothe our soul.  

God has promised to forgive us of our sins and declare us "not guilty," when we choose a relationship with Him.  If God loves us enough to forgive us and take away our guilt and shame, then we need to learn to forgive ourselves and others. It's not always easy for us, but it is worth the effort!  Hang in there my friends, and keep your eyes open to see the 

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings!

Betsy

George Fishing - This One Is NOT a Keeper!  

Adjusting My Sails

I'm just sitting here this evening contemplating a lot of different things.  It's been a busy day, as always. Appointments to make, appointments to keep, appointments to reschedule. A trip to the public library for story time and a craft.   Life with six children makes life very interesting. There is never, ever a dull moment.  

School starts in about four weeks and I am incredibly excited.  I am looking forward to actually being able to finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold.  For me that is a huge deal.  I don't know about you, but I really enjoy my cup of hot java in the mornings.  In fact, I'm not very much fun to be around until I've had at least half of a cup.  I am, for the most part, fairly incoherent before that.  My kids have caught on to that I think, because most of them have become just pretty good little coffee makers.  Messy, but good.

And I look forward to being able to have my devotion time uninterrupted while I enjoy that second cup of coffee.  Perhaps I'll be able to enjoy it in the quite of the morning, maybe even out on the patio with the sounds of nature surrounding me, being able to take in what God has to say to me for the day. 

Oh, and another incredibly wonderful thing I look forward to is going to the bathroom without someone standing at the bedroom door calling my name.  If you are a mom, you know exactly what I mean.  Children seem to start their fights, or have "something really important to ask you" right when you would like to be able to take care of business for just a couple of minutes.  Is that too much to ask??

One of the lessons I have learned from George's death, as I have shared before, is just how short life is.  We only have one earthly chance at it.  When George and his sister were growing up I spent much of my time working outside the home, and being a full time pastor's wife and a full time mom. But so many of the things that I thought were important, have just really become not so urgent anymore.  

If someone walks in my house and can autograph their name in the dust on the coffee table, it's not the end of the world, because I want to be busy making memories.  If there is a sticky spot on the kitchen floor, it's not the end of the world.  I want to be busy making memories. If my usual three daily loads of laundry don't get done one day and I have to play catch up the next day, it's quite alright.  I want to be busy making memories.   And I want to be instilling memories and character lessons in my children that will serve them well their whole life.

The kids and I have been busier this summer than any other, having fun.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I still have a few things I want to do with them before school starts.  I'm thinking drive-in theater this weekend.  Shhhh don't tell!  It's a secret.  

I think for all of us, it is may be good to ask if what we are doing today is going to have a positive impact on someone's life tomorrow.  Losing a loved one makes us really evaluate our lives and hopefully adjust our sails. Speaking of sails, I don't think there's anything more lovely than a sunset across the ocean.  Keep moving forward and adjusting your sails because there is and will be 

Sunshine After The Storm

Blessings!

Betsy

Learning to Dance in the Rain

King Solomon wrote,

"There is a time for everything:

A time to be born,
A time to die;
A time to plant;
A time to harvest;
A time to kill;
A time to heal;
A time to destroy;
A time to rebuild;
A time to cry;
A time to laugh;
A time to grieve;
A time to dance;
A time for scattering stones;
A time for gathering stones;
A time to hug;
A time not to hug;
A time to find;
A time to lose;
A time for keeping;
A time for throwing away;
A time to tear;
A time to repair;
A time to be quiet;
A time to speak up;
A time for loving;
A time for hating;
A time for war;
A time for peace...

...Everything is appropriate in its own time.  But though God has planted eternity in the hearts of men,, even so, man cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end... And I know this, that whatever God does is final--nothing can be added or taken away from it; God's purpose in this is that man should fear (have reverence for) the all-powerful God."  
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11, 14 (TLB).

I think that perhaps this wise King realized the importance of dancing in the rain.  I think we would be wise to learn to do the same.  I hope you have a day of reflection and one of looking forward to the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings Always
Betsy

Holidays - Where's the Joy?

Then came November. Thanksgiving.  And December.  Christmas.  We were supposed to be spending these holidays with George for the first time in many years.  And now, he wasn't here.  I had so looked forward to spending all the holidays with him again. I still didn't have an answer to that question, "why, and why now?"  

Honestly, the only thing that prompted me to even cook a Thanksgiving dinner was the fact that I knew I needed to do it for the children.  But every bite I took was hard to swallow.  Oh, I did my best to put on a happy face for everyone's benefit, but inside I was so terribly lonesome for my boy. 

And Christmas was even harder.  I hadn't emotionally bounced back from Thanksgiving and here it was, time to put up a tree, decorate, buy gifts for the children.  And I was not in the mood to do any of it.   It was a struggle. Usually the tree goes up Thanksgiving weekend.  Not that year.  I don't remember when I got around to it.  But it was later than usual.  And I didn't do it with much joy.  Nor did I shop with much joy.  But there I was again, putting on my happy face, pretending everything was good.  

There is no question about it.  Holidays are difficult with a capital "D" after the loss of a loved one. Our loved one should be there and that's all there is to it! Be prepared for holidays, especially the first year or two, to set you back in your grieving process for a while.  You can probably expect some extra feelings of sadness or depression before and after.  

Oh, and at some point, we need to talk about guilt.  Yes we do.  We will get to that.  But for now, keep focusing!  There is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

The Last Christmas I Spent With George
December 2003 

Baby Steps

I shared in "The Gathering" that I believed our get-together was an important step toward healing for all of us.  It wasn't a giant step, but it was, nevertheless, a step.

Those of you who know me well, know that I absolutely love babies.  I've raised quite a few and even had a home daycare at one time.  I have to say that never once have I seen a baby who has just learned to sit, get up off their bottom and take off walking across the room.  It just doesn't happen that way.

Eventually after their little back gets stronger and they become more steady, they start to reach for the edge of the couch or the coffee table.  It takes effort to get a good grip to pull that weight up off the floor and into a wobbly standing position.  They fall back down to their bottom numerous times before those cute, short, pudgy legs get strong enough to support their body.  

Ah, and then begins the edging around the furniture.  One step at a time, frequently ending up on their bottom to start all over again.  But each time they pull themselves up, it gets a little easier.  Their confidence begins to grow.  Then one day they decide to let go for a second or two at a time. Then before you know it, they are letting go to take a step or two from the couch to the coffee table.  Freedom for them is just around the corner.

Parents get super excited as they walk baby across the floor holding both of their little hands.  They entice them with a toy to take those steps alone. And with each step they make alone mommy and daddy count out loud, "one, two, three..."   And all the while baby instinctively knows that mommy or daddy is right there, ready to take their hand and steady them or help them back up on their feet again. 

When we are going through a loss, and we have been knocked hard to our bottoms we are very much like that baby learning to sit up, pull up, and walk.
Just as babies have their own schedule for learning to do these things, we have our own schedule for getting through the grieving process.  We can't compare our grieving process to anyone else's.  We are going to take a step or two in the right direction and we may wobble and fall.  But just like that baby, every time we pull ourselves back up we become stronger and we can take more steps forward and less steps back.  

And we have a heavenly Father who is there to hold our hand, to steady us and to lift us when we fall.  "The steps of good men are directed by the Lord. He delights in each step they take.  If they fall it isn't fatal, for the Lord holds them with his hand."  Psalm 37:23-24 (TLB).  Freedom for those of us who are grieving will at some point be just around the corner, so keep moving at your own pace and keep looking for the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

The Gathering

October came.   George's little brothers and sisters had never been on a hayride or roasted marshmallows for s'mores.  I had been wanting to have George's close friends over for a cookout and this seemed like the perfect time.  

It was a beautiful evening for such a get-together.  We had hot dogs on the grill, baked beans, chips, cold drinks, hot cider, hot chocolate.  I lost count, but I think there were about 25 - 30 of us gathered together.

One of George's closest friends had shared with me a few times prior to this that it was difficult for him to be at George's place because it brought back so many memories.  I suspected that some of the others felt that way too.  So before the meal, I gathered everyone in a circle and asked that we join hands. I told them how much their friendship to George and now to us meant. I told them that we all had one thing in common and that was our love for George, and his love for each of us.  I shared with them that I believed George was, in many ways, still with us and that he was watching us and was so happy to know we were enjoying being together at this place he loved so much. And then we prayed.  

We shared our meal together, laughed, talked, and reminisced.  While the adults visited, the kids played on the playground, swung on tire swings, and played tag.  

Eventually we loaded up on a trailer filled with bales of hay, and off we went. The kids had fun on this new adventure, as did the adults who remembered times past.  We did get lost a time or two but with the help of the 9 year old (that's another story for another blog), we made it back to enjoy the big bonfire and sticky, messy, but very yummy s'mores. Memories were made.  It was a great evening.

It was a special time, there were some tears, but there was laughter too. It was, I believe, an important step toward healing for all of us.  Not a giant step, but a small step forward.   I'll share more about that later.  But for now, my friends, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Remember, there is going to be

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

   

Heavy Heart

I write this entry with a heavy heart.  Several people that I love dearly have recently lost loved ones, and I lost one today as well.

In May someone dear to me, tragically lost a son.  Having experienced the tragic loss of my own son, I have felt their loss deeply.  In June, a dear friend lost her mother.  Other dear friends have lost parents over the past year or two.  Having lost a parent, again, I am able to empathize.  And today, another family who is very, very dear to me lost a father, a husband, a grandfather. To me he was a precious friend and I considered him "family."
I was so blessed to be at his bedside today holding his hand.  

Even though he is in a much better place and no longer in pain, I shall forever miss him.  I know he is in the arms of Jesus, rejoicing.  And I like to think that he and my Daddy are already reminiscing about fun times they shared. And I like to think that my son, George, is listening to their exchange.  I can almost hear their laughter now.  

But yet, those of us who remain here will have have pieces of our hearts missing until we are one day reunited with those we love.  For all my friends and there are many of you, who have lost a loved one, parent, child, sibling, spouse, friend, please know that I am so very sorry for your loss.  

I am comforted tonight by the words of Jesus,

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, trust also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."  John 14:1-3

I pray that you, my friends and family, will be comforted by these words as well.  In the midst of your grief and loss, do your best to keep moving forward.  You will see

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

In Memory of My Precious and Dear Friend, Paul Shawan.  

I Became a Stripper

Counseling continued.  I will say this, if you are considering counseling, prepare to strip.  I didn't anticipate ever being a stripper.  But, during my time in counseling, layer after layer of gunk and junk were stripped away.  Three years after George's death I am still in counseling, just not every week.  I find that I am continually needing to strip off yucky stuff.  You must remember that my son's death was the primary reason I started counseling, but there were other issues I knew I needed to work through as well.

I continued to be surprised at the way words came out of my mouth, without any obvious prompting from my counselor,.  There were things from my childhood, teen years, my first marriage, that just came popping out of my mouth like popcorn.  It was amazing to me to hear many of those things come out.  I hadn't even known consciously that they were in my head.  Our human minds are interesting.  Many things are buried deep in our subconscious and probably it is best they stay there.  Other things need to come out for healing to take place.

That's why I encourage you to really do your homework if and when you decide to seek counseling for whatever issue(s) you may be having.  I've encouraged you before to seek wise counsel.  You need to have a counselor that you can trust and feel comfortable enough to scream, cry, and even have a panic attack in front of - yes, I've done that too.  You want a counselor that you do not feel embarrassed or ashamed in front of when you are doing your stripping.  (I'm smiling, but I am very serious.)  

When you take a shower or bath, you probably don't do so with your clothes on.  You can't get clean that way! If you want to begin healing and functioning again with a newer and fresher perspective on life, you may have to become a stripper too!  You'll be in good company  ; )  Try your best to smile, because there will be 

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

Big Problem

High school football season began at about the same time I began my counseling sessions, in the Fall of 2010.  I went to that first game of the season and it was strange to be there. They dedicated the game to George. 

The announcer said some words about him - most of which I couldn't hear clearly.  And before the game started, some family and very close friends gathered at one end of the field. The school had made a memorial sign for the fence and before the game we each placed a yellow rose in the fence around the sign.  

I had a big problem with this whole thing.  This was NOT the way I was supposed to be spending my time at the first home game that season.  I was supposed to be there WATCHING MY SON COACH!  I was not supposed to be there watching the boys he had coached kneel down in front of a memorial sign with my son's name on it.  He was supposed to be running out on the field with them.

Wow, this was just messed up.  Nothing about it was right.  And I was sure nothing about this was ever going to be right.

You may be in the same place right now in your own grief journey.  You may be feeling that nothing will ever be right about your situation.  I wish I had answers for myself and for you.  I can tell you this.  Over time, even though you may never have the answers you want, you will begin to feel sunshine on your face and in your heart again.  Remember, grieving takes time. Remember to be patient with yourself.  And remember to keep looking for the 

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

Collecting Things

As soon as we moved to George's home, I began looking for and collecting anything that George may have used or anything that may have been one of the last things he touched.  I was desperate to hold on to him.  I needed to keep him with me.  If you read one of my earlier posts, "Dig In and Fight," this is exactly what I was doing.  I wasn't about to let my boy go. 

I already had a few things in my collection, the sunglasses he had been wearing the day of the accident, and one of the brake handles from the bike, both of which we found at the accident scene.  I knew that brake handle was one of the last things he had touched before he died.  I have a cap that he liked to wear.  He had left it at a friends house and they returned it to me.  And I could still catch a faint scent of him from it. For some reason having those things were very important to me and still are.  I have them tucked away in a safe place, and sometimes, just sometimes, when I am feeling emotionally strong enough I take them out and touch them and look at them and remember. 

I've already shared with you how he loved the outdoors. He loved hunting, fishing, just being outdoors made him happy.  So as we began to clear out some of the land we would sometimes find an empty shell casing, and even a broken arrow.  Those are in an old milk bottle sitting on my kitchen cabinet and most days I look at them, and remember.

And when the deer come into the yard in the evening, or when I take a ride on the four-wheeler through the woods he loved, when I hear the birds singing as the sun is setting, as I see the lightening bugs blinking in the dusk, I remember.  

I remember the 9 lb., 5 oz., baby boy that was so beautiful, the energetic little league baseball player,  the boy who loved to follow his Pa around, the teenager that loved football, the young man who lit up the whole room just by walking in. 

I don't understand much of the psychology behind the grieving process.  I don't know why we do some of the things we do.  I don't know why it was so important for me to have my collection of things, or why it still is.  I'm not sure if it is an act of desperation, trying hard to hold on, to keep him from slipping away from me, or if it is instead something that brings me comfort.  Perhaps it is both.  

Today has been a little more difficult for some reason, I'm really missing George today.  Maybe today has been difficult for you as well.  David said in Psalm 30:5b (NIV) "...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."  Joy will come in time and there will be 

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings Friends!

Betsy

My Sweet Baby Boy February 1981

George, Fredericktown Little League Baseball

George, Senior Picture 1999, Never Far From the Game

  

Roller Coaster Ride!

In my last post I shared with you how the first counseling session took a toll on me emotionally, mentally, and physically.  There was something about putting words to the silent feelings I had been carrying inside that was freeing and exhausting at the same time.  Every Friday after my session, I found that I spent a lot of time in deep reflection.  I remember a few people making the assumption that I was mad because I was not at all talkative.  And Saturday mornings found me tired and needing sleep.  

I remember telling my counselor in my first session that everything, absolutely everything, in my life was messed up.  And I meant it.  I was not able to focus, the most menial of tasks took enormous effort on my part, my spiritual life was not what it should be.  As I mentioned earlier, there were other factors that were adding to my anxiety and depression. 

I felt like I was on a really wicked, nasty, roller coaster ride that was never ending.  Whoever was responsible for stopping the ride had gone on a leave of absence and failed to get anyone to replace them.  Here I was stuck on this gut wrenching, nauseating ride, unable to get off.   When you are on a carnival ride, and not feeling well and really wanting off, all the screaming in the world does not help.  There is so much noise that no one can hear you, or if by some slim chance they do hear you they choose to ignore you, or they think you can't possibly be serious, or they think you need to grow up and get over it. Coas

You who are on a journey of deep grieving know very well what I am talking about.  And how I wish I could help take away your pain and sense of helplessness.  I wish there was a simple answer, but there isn't.  There isn't a quick fix for grieving.  I can tell you that eventually the roller coaster will slow down over what can be a long period of time, but it will slow down!  In the meantime, hang on with all your might and with the strength that comes from the Lord, and keep in mind that there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings Always!

Betsy

Glimmer of Hope

I left out of that first counseling session with a teensy, tiny glimmer of hope. But I also left out completely exhausted emotionally.  So many of the things that I had held inside for so long had spewed out and it took a toll on me.  We agreed that I need to be seen weekly.  We had a lot of work to do.

There were several other issues I was dealing with at the same time that I was dealing with George's death.  I cannot discuss them within this blog because they involved several other people whose privacy I wish to protect.  But having all this heaped on top of George's death had really led to severe depression, anxiety, and additional feelings of loss.  

It was just more than one person should have to deal with.  But I have seen over my lifetime that more often than not, that we aren't given one problem at a time to work through.  We've probably all heard the saying, "When it rains, it pours."  And so it was with me.  I remember saying to God, "This is just too much!!"  

I had an interesting talk with my doctor just a few weeks ago.  I shared with her some of the more current struggles I am dealing with.  She is a fellow Christian and we always have a good visit.  She said something to me, and my quote may not be exactly correct but close enough that you will get her meaning.  "We've all heard that God won't give us more than we can handle, but the truth is, we do get more than we can handle, but not more than God can handle."  Did you catch that?  Wow!  I love that.  He wants us to let Him take our concerns, our hurts, our pains, our sorrows to Him.  He wants us to learn to depend solely on Him!  He is our provider and no one else!  

Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-29, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  (NIV).

I hope you will let Him take your burdens today and carry them for you.  In doing so, maybe you will be given a glimmer of hope and catch a ray of the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."

Respect and Admiration

Today is what we Americans refer to as the Fourth of July or Independence Day.  We fly our flags, we have big family gatherings complete with barbecue, potato salad, chips, watermelon, and on and on it goes.   We shoot off fireworks and catch fireflies. We roast marshmallows for s'mores by the fire.  

In all of our fun I hope we never forget that our freedom to do all of these things and so much more has come at a great cost.  Many lives have been sacrificed to keep our nation free.  Many men and women have come home with injuries they may never fully recover from.  Not just physical injuries, but emotional injuries as well.  

These people deserve our respect, admiration, and support.  They and their families have given much for us.  And there are many still in harms way that we need to remember in prayer.  And there are families who will not be with the ones they love today.  

Be sure to pass along your appreciation today to someone you know who either has served or is currently serving in the military.  Perhaps with your encouragement they will catch a glimpse of  

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

George W. Rollins USN 2001

 George Byron Jones (My Daddy) WWII USN
The Tall Handsome One!

George (Right) Returning From a Flight.  The USS George Washington.
Somewhere in the Persian Gulf During Operation Enduring Freedom.

I Cried

The day of the appointment arrived.  I entered the waiting room feeling anxious and apprehensive.  Tears were threatening to fill my eyes, and I had to blink them back more than once.  

The counselor opened her office door and greeted me.  She spent a little time telling me about herself.  I was drawn to her genuine, "down to earth," kind and gentle demeanor.  Before I knew what was happening the tears that I had kept at bay spilled over I began telling her about my son's death and other problems I was dealing with.  It all came tumbling out of my mouth in a jumbled and probably incoherent mess all over the place.  She sat there and listened with so much compassion.

I could not believe it!   I cried.  I sat in a stranger's office and I cried.  It happened before I could stop it.  I had worked so hard over the last few months trying to keep the tears at bay because I was sure that once I started I would never stop.  So I hadn't allowed myself to cry very much at all. And when I did it had always been in private.  Wow, I had not seen that coming!

And guess what?  None of the things I had spent time worrying about happened.  She didn't hit me over the head with scripture.  She didn't tell me how puny my faith was.  I actually liked her.  And she seemed to actually like me.  She told me that she had been praying for me since she had seen my name on her appointment book.  She said she prayed for all of her clients each day.  No doubt this was a divine appointment.  God had worked all of this out in advance, in His own way and in His own time.

I am reminded of the scripture, "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV). I am so happy that my future has been and will always be in His hands.  And that His plans for me are good.  That's one reason I can say with confidence that there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

The First Step

I have already told you what a wonderful sister I am blessed to have.  She has always been the "rock" in our family when things have been tough.  I called her and told her I needed help.  

Being the person she is, she immediately jumped into action.  She contacted a pastor she knew who lived not far from Fredericktown.  She asked him who he referred members of his congregation to for special counseling.  He had a name - Hope Crossing Christian Counseling.  That simple act of telling my sister I needed help was the first step in my emotional, mental, and spiritual healing.  

I found their website, researched them and decided to make an appointment. Their main office was in St. Louis, but they had office hours in Farmington on Fridays which would not be a great distance for me to drive.  I made the call and scheduled my first appointment.  

Even though I knew I needed help, I was very apprehensive.  What if I did not like this person, and what if they didn't like me?  Well obviously, I didn't have to schedule another appointment.  Were they going to preach to me about how weak my faith was?  Were they going to beat me over the head with all the scriptures I already knew?  But perhaps my biggest question was whether or not I was ready to share my heart and soul with anyone.  I had been fighting so long and hard at keeping everything all tucked away.  You see, if I kept my feelings and thoughts to myself, then George was safe.  And I had to keep him safe.  What happened next was certainly interesting. 

As I mentioned in my last post, there should be no shame or embarrassment in getting any help you need if you have suffered a loss, whether the death of a loved one, or a painful separation or divorce.  Loss comes in all shapes and sizes.  And none of us are exempt from it.  We all deal with grief in our own way and in our own time.  I would, however, encourage you to find healthy ways to deal with your grief.  Whatever loss you may be experiencing, please remember that you are not alone, don't give up, keep putting one foot in front of the other and at some point you will start to catch a glimpse of the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy