Just a Reminder!

Hi friends!  Just a reminder, if you are following this blog and and have a Facebook account, even if we are not "Friends" on Facebook, you can Like the Facebook Page, "Grieving the Loss, Sunshine After the Storm."  Just click on the "Facebook Page" on the right of this post and it will take you there.  Once on the page, you can click on "Like" and you will be notified of new posts and updates!  So happy to have you on this journey with me!  Hope you are looking for some sunshine because there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings

Betsy

Haunted

One question that kept haunting me was whether or not had George suffered.  Was his death instantaneous or were there a few moments after he was cut completely through when he knew what had happened? Even though the friend who was with him said he died instantly, I still wondered if perhaps his brain was still functioning.  And if so, what was he thinking.  A parent never, ever, wants her child to suffer.  So, I asked doctors their opinion.  Several doctors gave me, for the most part, the same answer. They did not believe he suffered.  Did I believe them?  I really wanted to. But I continued to struggle with it.  And frequently in my mind I would see his death as I was told it happened.  And thoughts of pieces of him being scattered over the highway and in the median made my heart ache.  I didn't mean to think about those things, they just came to me.  

I had children to get enrolled in a new school district, in a new state.  New school supplies and clothes to buy.  (Side note:  I still think a new box of crayons is just the best!)  I had things to keep me busy, but, once they started school, it was back to bed and sleep, I didn't have to think when I was asleep.  And when the children were home in the afternoon I would try to interact with them, but it was so difficult to focus and fully engage.  So let's add guilt to the grief.  I felt like I was being a horrible mother to my children. They were too young to understand all the emotions that I was having to deal with.  

Ok, I have got to take another time out.  I may have to create a page devoted to things not to say to people who have lost a loved one.  Here is one of them, "I'm so sorry for your loss, but at least you still have all these other children." Say WHAT?????  That is just wrong on so many levels.  I know people mean well, but really?? Each child is precious to me.  One or seven cannot replace the one that has died.  They are unique individuals.  Yes, I still have children living, but that doesn't make the loss of my boy any easier. 

I knew that I was in a bad place emotionally.  We were attending church and there were many there who knew George, and they were very kind and it was obvious how much they missed him and how much they had loved him.  They shared little stories with me that would make me smile or bring tears to my eyes.  We have a wonderful church with a wonderful praise team and wonderful pastors.  Those of you who know me, know that I love to sing, I love music, and I've always loved worshiping through music.  But I just couldn't sing along.  And I could barely make it through the entire worship service without tears rolling down my cheeks.

I was in an emotional mess and I needed help.  I had to do something and I couldn't wait much longer. More on that later.  In the meantime, "Be glad for all God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always."  Romans 12:12  TLB  And keep your eyes open - you may catch a ray of sunshine today.  I sure hope so!  Remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy 

   

Stop Pushing!

I found that in the midst of my deepest grieving period, that every day decision making became difficult.  I simply could not make a decision.  It was taking every ounce I could summons just to get out of bed.  Simple tasks wore me out. 

When we first moved we knew we wanted to do some clearing of the land close to the house.  We wanted to make room for a playground for the kids and clear out some trees, but I had no idea it was going to turn into a massive project.  Well, it may not have been massive to anyone else, but to me it was.  

My husband, not understanding how difficult the decision making process was for me would ask what I wanted done on this and that and whatnot.  It was driving me absolutely crazy.  I appreciated being included in the decision making process, but I was not in any state of mind to make any kind of good decision during that time.

I encouraged him to take the children and go visit his family in Kansas for a two week period, which he did.  I NEEDED TO BE ALONE.  For those two weeks I worked in the hot, humid weather, clearing and burning brush.  It felt good to be busy and have my mind free from unnecessary decision making.  And I could just soak in the surroundings, enjoying the same things George had enjoyed so much.

I have always heard people say that the worst thing you can do is make changes or decisions immediately following the loss of a loved one.  Now, I know why, it's because you can't think straight!!!!  Please hear me, because I speak from personal experience.  Do NOT feel pressured to make decisions that you are not ready to make.  And even if you think you are ready, wait a few months or even a year - if you don't you may regret decisions that you made in haste or that you felt pushed to make.  And if you are the one pushing someone to make a decision while they are still grieving, knock it off!!  (I'm smiling, but I'm very serious.)

I hope that today you will take time to relax and cut yourself some slack.  Be patient with yourself and with those who are trying their best to encourage you.  Hey, keep in mind that there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

Dig In and Fight

Well, we made it!  After four long days on the road we were finally "home."  Many different feelings rushed through me as we pulled into the drive.  This was the place George had loved so much.  I really hoped he would walk up out of the woods to greet us.  Some of you may think that sounds crazy.  Some of you know exactly how I feel.  When you have not been able to see your loved one's body, closure is extremely difficult.  If you didn't see it, then maybe, just maybe, it didn't happen.  

I walked into the house which was now empty except for a table that friends had set up with some sweet mementos of George.  And once again, that wonderful and comforting smell of wood smoke was there to say "hello," but the one person I longed to hear say "hello" was not there.  

There was no time to linger, and a whirlwind of unloading a massive amount of furniture and boxes began.  And it went on, and on, and on.  There were boxes everywhere.  There were days and days of trying to fit 2300 square feet of items into 1600 square feet.  Challenging to say the least.  

After a few weeks, things started to slow down some.  My husband was not working, so was home all day and helped a lot with the kids.  Now, was when the tough stuff started.  I slept late in the mornings, would take a naps in the afternoon.  And during the hours I was awake, I was consumed with questions and thoughts that had been put on the back burner while I had been so busy those two months preparing for the move.  I suddenly found myself forced to deal with the reality of my son's death. And I was going to dig in and fight it tooth and nail.  A mother just doesn't give up on her child.  And I wasn't ready to give up on or let go of George.

I'm reminded of how much our Heavenly Father loves us.  He does not give up on His children and He never let's go of His children.  I love Psalm 121:3-4, 8, "He will never let me stumble, slip or fall.  For he is always watching, never sleeping."  "He keeps his eye upon you as you come and go, and always guards you."  Even when we are going through the deepest trials, he is always  there! 

Keep your eyes open, because, there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

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Hot Heads and Silent Seethers

In one of my earlier posts, "Time Out," I talked about how families can really get weird, especially when a death occurs within the family.  I feel the need to touch on that subject a bit more.

I would imagine we have all heard of families getting into rather heated disputes or engaging in silent seething for different reasons when a loved one dies.  Perhaps it is over the funeral arrangements, perhaps it is over the distribution of an inheritance, or some other reason.  If there has been any strain in the family relationship prior to the death of the loved one, it can really get rather sticky in the days surrounding and following the death.  I find it truly sad that at a time when we need to be loving and supporting one another we find ourselves dealing with what I like to call the "Hot Heads and Silent Seethers."

As I shared in my last post, "My Sister, My Friend," I had tremendous support from my her, as well as support from other family members and friends.  But I shall forever be brokenhearted over one relationship that was very special and important to me that was severed during the days surrounding George's death.  Sadly, it has yet to be repaired three years later.  

People are not always going to understand why we do the things we do.  People are not always going to agree with some of our decisions.  And when we are doing what we know and believe in our heart to be the right thing, we will, more than likely be criticized by someone.   Do the right thing anyway.  We have one person to answer to, and His opinion is the one that will ultimately matter.  

This is a difficult topic for me to discuss, because not only did I lose my son, I lost a relationship that I treasured.  So I have had two deep losses to grieve through.  Sometimes we will find that the people whom we most thought we could count on, may not be there for us.  But, I will never give up hope that the relationship will someday be restored.  God has it in His hands.  

If you find yourself in this situation, I'm truly sorry, I know how painful it can be.  Take time listen to one another with respect and an open mind and heart.  And if you have done all you can, then leave all those broken pieces in bigger hands to put back together - and His timing is perfect.  And never forget the importance of forgiveness, it will be critical to your well-being.  Hang in there and remember, there is 

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

My Sister, My Friend

Eventually the day came to load up the moving truck and the U-haul trailer and begin the long trek from Southern California to Southeast Missouri.  If you have ever moved just across town, you know that moving is probably never going to make anyone's "bucket list."  I have moved 14 times over the years.  I can't say I want to do it again.   

Now, I must say, I have the best sister in the world.  She is five years older than me, beautiful, intelligent, and BRAVE.  She flew from Missouri to California to drive with me in our ten passenger van which was pulling a monster sized U-Haul trailer.  (My husband was driving the truck.)  Inside that van were six children between the ages of two and eight.  We were in that van four long days, and in motels for three nights.... God Bless her!  

We were going to take turns driving, but the weeks of trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and struggling to get the packing done in the midst of caring for the children had taken a toll.  Almost within minutes of our departure, I fell asleep.  Oh, she was driving when I did that!  No worries there!   Bottom line, she did all of the driving for those four days.  What a blessing to be able relax and not have to worry about anything for those four days.  She had always been and still is the "big sister."  She has always been there for me.  She has always "had my back." And, she will never ever know how she ministered to me on that trip.  I was going to need that rest I was getting because arrival day was coming with lots of unloading, unpacking, and setting up house to do.

I hope that on your journey you have a big brother or a big sister that "has your back."  They don't have to be related to you, but everyone needs that special someone who is watching out for them, who is in their corner, who loves them unconditionally.  Of course the ultimate one who is always there, is Jesus.  I hope you know Him and can claim Him as your friend and brother.  Life is quite often hard, no question about that.  We need all the help we can get!  Remember my traveling friend, there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

  

The "Know-It-All" Syndrome

Once upon a time someone I loved very much used to tell me, "You need to be preparing yourself, because someday your parents are going to die and you can't get all worked up about it when it happens."  

Pause......   Just giving you a minute to process that.......  

This came from someone who was had the "know-it-all" syndrome.  I know I can't be the only one who is acquainted with someone who shares this syndrome!  (Smiling) 

Death comes in many ways, sometimes it is totally unexpected.  Sometimes, we see a parent, child, close friend suffer for a very long time before death comes.  And maybe the latter gives us a bit of time to start preparing ourselves.  And sometimes it may be a blessing because we know they are finally no longer suffering.

BUT the reality is we are the ones that remain and we are human.  And we can never be fully prepared to lose someone that is so very dear to us.  No matter how strong our faith may be, we, in our human condition, are going to be brokenhearted no matter what the circumstances around the death may be.  Yes, if our loved ones have a personal relationship with the Lord, we are comforted in knowing where they are and that they are at peace.  But again, we are left here grieve.  

Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)  And as I have shared before, even Jesus wept at the grave of his good friend Lazarus.  I think Jesus is letting us know that it is natural  and perfectly acceptable to mourn.  And I really don't think that the amount of faith we have dictates how we mourn or how long we mourn.  

I do think there are times when we should seek counseling from a professional counselor, and preferably a Christian counselor.  But, I love this quote and feel I need to share it with you.  

Sometimes the people in our lives with the "know-it-all" syndrome, don't know as much as they think.  And if you have someone like that who is trying to "fix" you, just consider the source and grieve the way you need to.  

Take time today to cherish some good memories of your loved one - it may bring some sunshine to your day.... remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

Around the World

I started this blog with the hope that in sharing from my heart about my journey of grief, that others would feel encouragement in their own journey. Several of you have shared comments with me that you are being encouraged and blessed.  I appreciate your comments very much.  

I was nine years old and attending church camp.   There were several furloughing missionaries there to speak to us of their experiences of ministering in far away lands.  I felt very strongly, even at that young age, that God was calling me into foreign missions.

At the age of 19, I married a young man who felt he had been called to pastor.  I thought that perhaps this was how God wanted me to minister, to serve alongside him.  At one point during our ministry we applied to the Foreign Mission Board, but we were denied.  

And life went on, as life has a way of doing.  I experienced first hand the unexpected harshness and pain of divorce after 23 year of marriage.  I eventually remarried and we adopted 6 beautiful children.  Two are African American, two are Mexican, one is one quarter Apache, one quarter African American, one quarter Mexican and one quarter Caucasian (wow) and one is Caucasian.  We look like a meeting of the United Nations when we go places together and I have been asked if I run a day care.  People can't quite figure our family out.  

One thing I have learned from these precious children, is that no matter what our backgrounds, no matter what culture we come from, no matter what color our skin is, we all have the same basic desire and need - to love and to be loved for who we are.   

I never dreamed when I started this blog less than a month ago, that it would be read by people all around the world!  There are readers and/or followers not only in the US, but also in Russia, the UK, Germany, France, the Netherlands, Israel, the Philippines, Venezuela, India, Mexico, China, Vietnam, the Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, and the Czech Republic.  I wonder, if all along, this is what God had planned for me to do.  It doesn't matter where we live, what our nationality is, whether we are male or female, loss and pain comes to all of us!  And we are all in need of unconditional love.  

When you take time to share this link, whether with one person, or everyone on your Facebook page, or in your Google circles, you are sharing your love and concern and you too are being instruments of God's love.

I say with all sincerity that I am truly blessed to have all of you taking this journey with me!  Show kindness and love to someone today remembering all the while, that there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

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Triggers - Ready or Not Here They Come!

One thing I learned when going through foster to adopt training was that children who are adopted will have triggers that we know nothing about.  All of the children we fostered and/or adopted were county adoptions.  Most of them came as infants from one day old to age 3.  Children are placed in foster care for their protection.  Because much of their abuse or neglect occurred at such an earlier age, they are unable to verbally tell you when something has triggered a memory.  Their "acting out" can come from triggers from any number of things - none of which we are aware of.  It may be a smell, a taste, a sound, a song, a look we have on our face, a book, there are just too many to mention.

And, so it is when we have experienced the loss of a loved one.  We too have suffered trauma.  There are going to be triggers that can cause us to "act out" in any number of ways.  Maybe tears come on unexpectedly, maybe anger, maybe frustration, maybe increased depression or anxiety.  And those triggers can be similar to those of traumatized children. There are triggers such as an overheard conversation that can remind you of your loved one, seeing someone and for a split second thinking you are seeing your loved one, the smell of their aftershave or perfume, a holiday, a movie .... you've been there and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I had put off looking through boxes of photos of George for a couple of  weeks, and then one day, I locked myself in the closet where they were, and started going through them.  Oh my, triggers and bullets were flying all over the place - I was angry, I was grief stricken, I was happy, I was all over the place emotionally.  I cried, and cried, and cried as I went through those things.  And as I touched and held some of his baby clothes and tiny shoes that I had packed away for him to have someday, I remember wanting to curl up in a ball and just go to sleep.  

I was so emotionally drained during the weeks of trying to take care of the children and preparing for a long distance move, that on the weekends when my husband was home, I slept.  I would sleep away an entire morning, sometimes not getting up until noon or after.  If I was asleep there would be no questions to answer, no triggers being pulled back and no painful bullet piercing through my heart.  I feel blessed to have had those two days each week that I could sleep as long as I wanted.  

I avoided going to Sunday School and church - remember, I was a bit unhappy with God,  and I wanted to avoid being around people I knew - for some reason, I just could not handle it.  And I didn't want to hear songs of praise and I didn't want to hear any messages of hope.  I was starting to shut down.  Those two months before we moved kept me busy enough that I didn't go into total shut down. Having things to keep me busy was good, but eventually I would have to deal with what had happened.  

We can't avoid the triggers because most of them come out of nowhere.  But I do think we can learn to allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that they bring.  And I don't think they will ever stop coming our way.  But I do believe that at some point in our journey of grief, the triggers begin to evoke a more positive reaction, we might even find ourselves smiling!  

Oh my friends, be patient with yourselves wherever you are on your journey, and do your best to "Rest in the Lord; wait patiently for him to act."  Psalm 37:7a (TLB) And don't lose hope, because there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

  

Really, What Is The Big Rush?

From the time George was killed, yes, I said killed, I have wondered about the person who was responsible for George's death that day.  Early on I had spoken with the highway patrol who had told me they were investigating and if the person was found, he or she could be charged with involuntary manslaughter. 

The person driving the SUV had been driving very recklessly and almost hit several cars by cutting them off while switching lanes and they appeared to be doing it intentionally. Several of the people who had witnessed this unfolding tragedy, and could have been victims themselves, pulled over and stopped when the accident occurred.  And the only thing anyone could tell the patrolmen was the color of the SUV.  No one had gotten a license plate number.  I do not blame anyone for that.  I would imagine they were too busy trying to keep from being killed themselves.  So the investigation went nowhere.

I prayed that investigators would find the person and that justice would be served.  And then at some point I began to pray for the person who was responsible for my boy's death.  They knew what happened, they saw my boy's body and his motorcycle flying through the air, and they kept driving.  I have prayed that at some point they would turn themselves in.  So far, that has not happened.  If they are a person with any feelings at all, I would imagine this has haunted them for the past three years.  Do I have any hatred toward them?  No, I really don't. Have I forgiven them?  Yes. But, I would like the chance to tell them that.  And I would love to ask them what they were thinking that day and why they were in such a rush.

It seems that most people today are always in a hurry.  We want what we want and we want it now.  We are rushing here and there.  We overextend ourselves and all of our commitments have us scrambling here and there at at frantic pace. Perhaps we need to take time periodically to reevaluate our schedules and priorities.  If we are not careful, we may look back one day and  find that in our desire to get ahead and be first, we left behind broken pieces of family and friends that we may not be able to piece back together.  Really, what is the big rush?

I hope you will take the time today to slow down, invest a little extra time in the people you cherish.  Take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation.  Take time today to just breathe.  And take time to ponder that maybe there really is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

What Were You Saying?

I have no memory of the flight back to California.  I am surprised that I didn't end up in a foreign country!  I could have and probably would not have known the difference.  I have no memory of the drive back to the house but somehow I ended up there.  

And there was much to be done.  I didn't have time to think much during the days.  I operated much like a robot doing what needed to be done.  Taking three of the children to school while caring for the other three at home, picking up the children from school, fixing meals, helping with baths. And trying to fit in packing boxes in between all the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Nights were more difficult.  After the children had been read to, prayed with, and tucked away in bed, things were quiet.  That meant thinking about George's death.  Sometimes sleep wouldn't come until the wee hours of the morning.  Questions remained, no answers were to be found.  

I was still struck by the fact that other people were going on about their lives like nothing was wrong.  I was still amazed at what seemed to be insensitivity on the part of some people.  When people would find out, during the course of a conversation, that I had lost a son, the words would barely be out of my mouth before they would start telling me their experience or the experience of someone they knew.  I cannot begin to tell you how that annoyed me.  At that point in my journey I really could care less about their story.  Now, that may sound really harsh to some of you.  I am usually a very sensitive and merciful person and would have been able to give them my full attention and sympathy.  So it is rather shocking that I would have felt that way.  But, I did!  But nonetheless I listened to them with what I can only hope was an understanding look on my face.  I can smile about my reaction now, knowing it was normal, but I wasn't smiling then.

Looking back, I know people did not intend to be insensitive.  Too often we are guilty of speaking before we think.  Too often, we think we need to say something when really, simply saying, "I'm so sorry for your loss" will do just fine. And maybe people have their own unresolved grief they need to share, but I really don't think that sharing it with someone who has just experienced a deep loss, is the appropriate person to seek counsel from.  People who are in the midst of deep grieving can barely put one foot in front of the other most days, and that's if only if they were able to get out of the bed!

So if you are in the midst of grief and feeling more than a little perturbed or a little less patient than you normally would be, don't worry.  I think it is fairly normal.  And if you are speaking to someone who is grieving and they appear to have zoned out on you, they probably did, don't take it personally, they didn't mean to, it just happens.  Hey, come on, admit it, we've all left work and ended up at home and had no memory of how we got there!  Right?

I think we could all work a little harder at learning to apply what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 3, "There is a right time for everything...... A time to be quiet; A time to speak up" (TLB).  I bet most of our relationships would be greatly improved if we would strive to know the difference, don't you?  

So for now my friends, I hope that today, you will catch a glimpse of joy in this journey of life.  Always remember, there is

Sunshine after the Storm
Blessings
Betsy 

  

Brutally Honest

George loved the outdoors, so it was no wonder when he saw the view from this place I now call home, that he wanted to buy it.  It is a beautiful spot, 10 acres of woods that backs up to the Mark Twain National Forest.  Quiet and peaceful. He often told me of sitting on the porch in the evenings and waiting for the deer to come up to the yard to graze.  He loved watching them and they were regular visitors.  Before we left to go back to California, we were able to purchase his house and this beautiful property, and continued with our plans to move here.  

He was in my thoughts a lot today.  One of the things I looked forward to when we moved here, was watching the deer he had always talked about.   When we first arrived we cleared about a half acre to make more of a yard for the children to play in.  When we were finished, I put out corn and peanut butter just like George had done to try to entice those deer.  But they didn't come.  I thought that perhaps they didn't like the fact that we had messed a bit with their habitat.  I didn't see a single one for about a year and a half. Then finally I started catching occasional glimpses of them.  Sometimes I would spy a white tail darting down into the woods.  And a few times the children would catch glimpses of them in the early morning when walking up to catch the school bus.  

This past winter I started seeing tracks around the corn, so I knew they were close by.  With the assistance of a game camera we were able to see them.  There were five and they were coming about 10:30 each evening.  Now I knew when to look for them and I could watch them from my window, but they were difficult to see in the dark.

Well, guess what?  This evening, around dusk, one of my sons happened to look out the window and saw a deer in the yard.  And sure enough, after almost three years of waiting, there was not just one, but two beautiful deer grazing happily away.  The children and I watched from the window for almost 45 minutes before they disappeared into the woods.  What a joy it was to watch them.  

While I was watching them, I was reminded of a beautiful song, "As the Deer" which is based on Psalm 42:1, and written by Martin J. Nystrom,

As the deer panteth for the water
    So my soul longeth after Thee
You alone are my heart's desire
    And I long to worship Thee

You alone are my strength, my shield
    To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
    And I long to worship Thee

You're my friend and You are my brother
    Even though You are a king
And I love You more than any other
    So much more than anything

I want You more than gold or silver
    Only You can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
    And the apple of my eye

Those are such beautiful words.  But I'm going to be brutally honest with you.  There were times after George's death, that I was not too happy with God.  There were times that I just did not long to worship God.  If he was my friend and brother, why would he take my boy?  I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt God had turned His back on me. Just like it was difficult for me to see the deer in the dark, it was difficult for me to see God while I was the dark depths of despair.  But just because I couldn't see him did not mean He wasn't there. 

It was months and months before I realized that while I was in the deepest darkest place imaginable, that He alone had been my strength and my shield and had carried me out of the place I was in and back into the light.   And at some point I rediscovered that He alone is the "real joy giver" so that even in the midst of suffering and sadness we can smile.  I'm so glad that God never stops loving us and that His love for us does not change - He cannot love us more than he does and He cannot love us less that He does.  And that, my friend, is something we can count on!  Remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

George With Fawn

Father's Day

I want to share a few thoughts with you today, this day we celebrate Fathers.
I've already shared with you that I had the best daddy ever.  And I'm sure many of you would argue and say that yours was the best.  And we would all be right!

Some of you may not have had the "ideal" father growing up.  Perhaps it was instead a grandpa, an uncle, a brother or another male figure who had a more positive influence on you. 

There is a saying, "Anyone can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad."  

As parents we have an enormous responsibility to raise our children the best way we know how, striving to instill in them the values they will need to lead happy, healthy, and successful lives.  But one of the most important things we can give them is our unconditional love.  

As I am writing this post I am very mindful of so many parents who have tragically lost a child over the past several weeks and months.  Some of these parents I know well, some only through friends.  Nonetheless, my heart breaks for each and everyone of them.

If you are a Dad who has lost a child, my heart grieves with you.  Perhaps your loss is recent, and your emotions are still very, very, raw.  The first Father's Day after the loss of a child is particularly difficult - excruciating might be a better word.  My heart truly feels your loss.  

And maybe you are a child who has recently lost your Dad.  That first Father's Day without your Dad can be particularly difficult as well.  My heart also feels your deep loss.  

Even though today may bring some difficult and painful memories, I pray that you will be blessed with some happy ones as well.

Remember that you are not alone on your journey, and never forget, even if you can't see it right now, there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

Crushed in Spirit

It was time to head back to California, to the children and the responsibilities of everyday life.  Leaving with so many unanswered questions was difficult.

We started the drive from Poplar Bluff to the St. Louis airport.  On the way, I decided that I wanted to stop at the scene of the accident.  I needed to see where George died.  As we slowed down to stop on the shoulder, a red car pulled up behind us.  I wondered who it could be, and out of the car stepped the dear friend that had been riding with George when the accident occurred.
Talk about divine intervention!  

Together we viewed the accident site.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, there were several circles drawn where George's body was.  They were still there and visible.  And I will never forget looking down at where his torso had been, and seeing his blood stains that had not been completely washed away.  I remember seeing blood stains on the cables that his body had gone through.  

My hero, this wonderful friend to George, was able to walk me through what had happened that fateful day.  Some of the details are just to graphic to share.  We walked down the median and found pieces of the motorcycle that had not been picked up, a foam piece of the seat, the speedometer, one of the handle bars, and we found the sunglasses he had been wearing.  I was amazed at how far down from the point of impact that we found those items.  I kept thinking and saying out loud, "Oh, George."  My heart was just overwhelmed with the brutality of his death. And even though I was told that he died immediately on impact, I still questioned that.  It is something I would question for a long time to come.   Did he suffer?  Did he feel any pain? Was he scared? 

When we got back in the car to continue our drive, I felt the most awful painful cry coming up from the deepest part of my heart and soul.  I remember  hanging my head down between my knees and exploding with sobs that were so long, they took my breath away.

I was recently thinking of how Mary, the mother of Jesus must have felt as she witnessed the horrible cruelty of her precious boy's death.  I remember the sorrow Jesus felt at hearing the news of the death of his good friend Lazarus.  We are told in the book of John, that Jesus was "deeply moved in spirit and troubled."  And we are told that, "Jesus wept."  

I hope you will take comfort today in knowing that there is nothing that happens to us that Jesus does not share with us, whether joy, pain, or sorrow.  He is not an unfeeling King sitting on a throne.  He is actively involved in our lives.  Psalm 34:18, says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  

If you are brokenhearted today and you feel your spirit is crushed, remember, you are not alone.  Cling to that promise my friends, and remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

Friends and Heroes

King Solomon said, "There are "friends" who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  Proverbs 18:24 (TLB)  When one reads that verse I believe it is assumed that Solomon was talking about his relationship with God.  And as Christians we have a friend in Jesus who is with us always.  We may walk away or remove our focus from Him. And everyone may walk away from us.  But He never walks away from us and never removes His focus from us.

As I shared in an earlier post, I know that as George took his last breath, Jesus was already welcoming him "home."   But there was someone here on earth who was with George when he died.   George had always spoken fondly of him, and they considered each other brothers.   He and his wife were riding with George that day.  They saw that terrible and tragic accident occur.  Immediately he was getting off the road and crossing the lane to get to George.  I can only imagine the horror of witnessing the accident and seeing George's body in the horrible condition it was in.  

Others would have turned away.  But not this friend.  He sat by my boy's torso and stayed with him until the highway patrolmen and paramedics made him leave.  I will NEVER forget what he did.  I brings me an inexplicable amount of comfort to know that he never left George and that George's body was not unattended from the time of the accident until the time he was taken away. That, folks, is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.  He is my hero and always will be.  

It makes me wonder what kind of friend we are to others.  I would encourage you to take time today to let a special friend know how much you love them.  Better yet, what can you do today to show them?   Please do not hesitate to leave comments if you so choose.  And remember - there is 

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy 

He Didn't Come

After George's memorial service and the graveside service, I finally felt like the need to minister to others was slowing down a bit. I was exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I had been so busy over the past several days.  When I think back now, so much of what happened during those few days was just a blur - those were the times I know that God had been carrying me.  And other things are still vividly clear to me after three years. 

The time was now drawing closer for me to return to California to my other children.  But there were still a few things left to do.  One of them was going back to George's house by myself. 

I walked in and again was immediately met with that comforting smell of the wood smoke.  It was quiet.  So very, very quiet.  I walked from room to room looking for something, anything, that would help me make sense of things.  

It sounds ridiculous, but I really hoped I would find a clue of some kind that would let me know he wasn't really dead; that there was another answer for this.  After all, I hadn't seen his body.  If you have ever suffered a tragic loss, I'm sure you have had similar thoughts.  As crazy as it sounds, it's normal.  I think it is a combination of shock and denial.   

I found some laundry in one of of the rooms and I sat there and picked up his shirts and held them close to my face, wanting desperately to be able to feel him with me.  I needed something to cling to.  I sat on his bed and looked around his room.  He had been sleeping here just days before.  He should be here now!  There were some dirty dishes in the sink and the thought went through my mind that maybe I should wash them and clean things up a bit so he wouldn't have to do it when he got home from wherever he had gone.  

As much as I listened and as much as I looked, I couldn't find him.  I remember standing in the doorway looking out into the woods he loved so much, halfway expecting him to walk up out of those woods and greet me with a big smile and ask me what I was fixing for supper.   But he didn't come.  And I still didn't have answers.

How much time does it take to grieve?  I don't know.  Maybe we never really stop grieving the ones we have lost.  I do know that the grief cycle repeats itself over and over.  But each time I think it may get a little easier and not last as long as the time before.  Don't hesitate to seek counseling to help you along your journey. I have included a link to Hope Crossing Christian Counseling. I hope you will take time to visit their site.  You will find some good information there - once on their site click on "Topics". 

Perhaps you are reading this just because you are curious.  Perhaps you are reading it because you have lost someone close to you and need to know you are not alone in some of your thoughts and feelings. Whatever your reason may be, I thank you for taking this journey with me and remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy 

   

Let's Ride!

As I shared in an earlier post, George had discussed with his wife that should something happen to him, he wanted to be cremated, but he also had a strong desire to be buried with his Pa.  (If you didn't catch yesterday's post, you may want take a minute now to read it in order to understand the special relationship between George and his Pa.)

George's wife had shared with me George's desire, and with my mom's approval it was arranged for some of George's ashes to be buried at my Daddy's feet.  Now Daddy was buried in Poplar Bluff and George's ashes were in Kennett.  So it was time to take a ride.  The Patriot Guard Riders with their American flags flying from their bikes would be riding in the procession from Kennett to Poplar Bluff.  Also riding in the procession would be George's dear friends who had been riding with him the day he was tragically killed, George's wife and her uncle, and George's father-in-law and guess who? Me!  There were others, but I just can't recall who they were, but I am grateful for them!    

Yes, I was taking that ride for George.  Fortunately my mom had kept her black leathers (she and daddy used to ride) and they were a perfect fit for me.    It was an absolutely beautiful day for a ride, the kind of day that George would have been riding.  I kept thinking that George was probably grinning from ear to ear to see his momma riding for him that day.  There were no tears for me on that ride, I was honoring my boy.  

As we arrived in Poplar Bluff and rode up to the veteran's section of the cemetery there were already folks waiting there.  What a sight to look behind me at those veterans on their bikes with their flags flying.  I couldn't help but think how happy that would have made George.  Then to see them dismount, take their flags and stand in position behind the grave site was a picture I won't forget and my heart swelled with pride for all the men and women who have served to keep our country free.

Then a few of George's close friends and some of the family came forward to place something small in the urn that signified the special relationship they had shared.  Once again, my heart just could not believe this was happening. It was as if I was watching a movie of someone else's life.  It just couldn't be mine.  And then it was over.  And people left.  And I went back to mom's house, and nothing in my life was ever going to be the same again. 

I have added a link to the Patriot Guard Riders site.  I hope you'll take time to visit it.  They are a wonderful organization.  And I will always be grateful for the service and comfort they provided to our family that day.  Remember my special friends, there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

Me Ready to Ride 

Arriving at Cemetery

Intermission

Ok, I know that I said in yesterday's post that I had a ride to take.  But we are going to take an intermission.  And I have a good reason.  We need to talk about daddys today, because I can't take you along for the ride until we do.  

I had the best daddy in the whole wide world.  How I loved that man!  His name was George.  He was tall, handsome, strong, kind, fun, loving, and a wonderful Christian man.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him.  I'd love to be able to sit and talk with him again. And someday I will get to do just that!

I loved to be in the garden with daddy in the early spring.  He could make the straightest rows with his hoe that you ever saw.  I would follow along behind and drop the seeds in, then he would come back behind me and cover them. I did have a tendency to make myself scarce when harvest time came though -  just being honest!   He taught me to love fishing and camping and he taught me about being brave and strong and believing that I could do anything I set my mind to.  And the same things that my daddy taught me, he taught to my son and daughter.  He absolutely adored them, (as did my mom) and they adored him in return.  My son, George, and daughter, Sara were crazy in love with their "Pa."  He went to be with the Lord in July of 2000.  

Fast forward a few years and my son became a daddy to a sweet baby girl.  He adored her.  My children, George's little brothers and sisters, still play on the swing he built for his daughter.  He would have done anything for her.  And that little girl adored him.  And I believe that had he not died, he would have instilled in her the same values that my daddy instilled in him.  

I'm comforted knowing that Jesus was there welcoming my daddy and my son with open arms into Heaven.  And I can only imagine what a joyous moment it was when my son and his Pa were reunited.  Oh Happy Day!

Sunday is Father's Day.  Many of you have already had to say goodbye to your dad.  I hope you have fond memories to comfort you this Father's Day.  Many of you still have your dad with you.  I hope you will take time to make new memories.  And dads, do your best to instill wholesome values in your children that will last a lifetime.  As always, my friends, never forget that there is

Sunshine After The Storm

Blessings

Betsy

Little George and Big George

My Son, George, and His Baby Girl

Me and My Daddy

Memories....

I have never been sure how the seating arrangements for the memorial service were decided upon.  I just know that I ended up being seated on the front row with the couple that had been riding with George the day he died, George's wife and little daughter, and some very close friends of George's who had become like family to him over the past two years.  My daughter and her family, my husband, my mom and step-dad and my sister were somewhere behind me.  

There were five speakers: George's dad, George's father-in-law, two of George's closest friends, and the pastor.  Each spoke from their heart. Tears  escaped down my cheeks as each shared their memories of George.  And there were times the memories they shared made me smile, and yes, even laugh a time or two.  Good memories are such a blessing during times of grief!

One thing that will always stand out in my memory was looking at the team during the service.  They were seated in the choir loft which was directly behind the pulpit.  The team George had loved coaching so much.  I couldn't stop looking at them and feeling such compassion for these "tough" football players with young and tender hearts.  To see the grief on all their faces and tears trickling down many of their faces was just almost more than I could bear.  The "mom" in me wanted to make it all better.  

Sometimes there are things that happen to us or to those we love that we wish we could fix.  Unfortunately we can't always do that.  We are not promised a life free of suffering and pain.  But what God does promise His children is strength for the journey.   

Speaking of journeys, I had one to take the next day, and it was going to be a beautiful day for a ride.  I look forward to having you come along, and remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

And They Came

I looked out over the church.  The family was seated, close family friends were seated and people began to come forward to express their condolences.  I had been in California for the past 10 years, therefore many of the people I did not know. But then I began to see familiar faces.  I was comforted by their presence.  I don't remember much of what they said to me, but I remember their presence.  For those of you who worry about what to say to someone who is grieving, remember this.  It is not so much your words people need, it is simply you.  

And more came; familiar faces, new faces.  And then "they" came.  The students that George had taught, the football players that he had coached, his fellow teachers, the coaching staff, the administrators.  They came by the bus loads and car loads.  And as his students came forward with broken hearts and tears streaming down their faces, unable to speak even if they wanted to, my heart broke for them.  And I found myself offering them words of comfort, a smile, hugs, student after student. And they came, and they came.  A few times I was able to glance to the back of the church and noticed the line was all the way down the aisle and out the door.  And my heart was overflowing with love and compassion for these young students who had lost a mentor that they loved so dearly.  

George had only been teaching and coaching these kids for two years.  But the impact he had on them in that short period of time was absolutely amazing.  I was so proud of him and so thankful that he had made a difference in the lives of so many people in such a short period of time.  

The church was filled to capacity and people were having to stand outside the doors. I had held my tears in check all this time.  And now it was time for the service to begin.

I often wonder, if George was able to have that kind of impact on people in his short 29 years, just what kind of impact would he have made had he lived into his 70's or 80's?  And of course, I've wondered why God would take him when he was touching so many lives.   I'll not know the answers to those questions in this lifetime.  Maybe in the next one I will.  

I am reminded once again of the importance and urgency of making every single day count.  What are we doing today that will make a difference in someone's future?  We all have something to give, even when we are in the midst of suffering.  I challenge you to do something today for someone else.  For it is in giving of ourselves that we are blessed.  Remember friends, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

P.S.  Remember too, that I welcome your thoughts and comments!  

George FHS Staff Picture

George "Coach" with the Team

Enjoying Some Time With the Coaching Staff