He Didn't Come

After George's memorial service and the graveside service, I finally felt like the need to minister to others was slowing down a bit. I was exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I had been so busy over the past several days.  When I think back now, so much of what happened during those few days was just a blur - those were the times I know that God had been carrying me.  And other things are still vividly clear to me after three years. 

The time was now drawing closer for me to return to California to my other children.  But there were still a few things left to do.  One of them was going back to George's house by myself. 

I walked in and again was immediately met with that comforting smell of the wood smoke.  It was quiet.  So very, very quiet.  I walked from room to room looking for something, anything, that would help me make sense of things.  

It sounds ridiculous, but I really hoped I would find a clue of some kind that would let me know he wasn't really dead; that there was another answer for this.  After all, I hadn't seen his body.  If you have ever suffered a tragic loss, I'm sure you have had similar thoughts.  As crazy as it sounds, it's normal.  I think it is a combination of shock and denial.   

I found some laundry in one of of the rooms and I sat there and picked up his shirts and held them close to my face, wanting desperately to be able to feel him with me.  I needed something to cling to.  I sat on his bed and looked around his room.  He had been sleeping here just days before.  He should be here now!  There were some dirty dishes in the sink and the thought went through my mind that maybe I should wash them and clean things up a bit so he wouldn't have to do it when he got home from wherever he had gone.  

As much as I listened and as much as I looked, I couldn't find him.  I remember standing in the doorway looking out into the woods he loved so much, halfway expecting him to walk up out of those woods and greet me with a big smile and ask me what I was fixing for supper.   But he didn't come.  And I still didn't have answers.

How much time does it take to grieve?  I don't know.  Maybe we never really stop grieving the ones we have lost.  I do know that the grief cycle repeats itself over and over.  But each time I think it may get a little easier and not last as long as the time before.  Don't hesitate to seek counseling to help you along your journey. I have included a link to Hope Crossing Christian Counseling. I hope you will take time to visit their site.  You will find some good information there - once on their site click on "Topics". 

Perhaps you are reading this just because you are curious.  Perhaps you are reading it because you have lost someone close to you and need to know you are not alone in some of your thoughts and feelings. Whatever your reason may be, I thank you for taking this journey with me and remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy