Brutally Honest

George loved the outdoors, so it was no wonder when he saw the view from this place I now call home, that he wanted to buy it.  It is a beautiful spot, 10 acres of woods that backs up to the Mark Twain National Forest.  Quiet and peaceful. He often told me of sitting on the porch in the evenings and waiting for the deer to come up to the yard to graze.  He loved watching them and they were regular visitors.  Before we left to go back to California, we were able to purchase his house and this beautiful property, and continued with our plans to move here.  

He was in my thoughts a lot today.  One of the things I looked forward to when we moved here, was watching the deer he had always talked about.   When we first arrived we cleared about a half acre to make more of a yard for the children to play in.  When we were finished, I put out corn and peanut butter just like George had done to try to entice those deer.  But they didn't come.  I thought that perhaps they didn't like the fact that we had messed a bit with their habitat.  I didn't see a single one for about a year and a half. Then finally I started catching occasional glimpses of them.  Sometimes I would spy a white tail darting down into the woods.  And a few times the children would catch glimpses of them in the early morning when walking up to catch the school bus.  

This past winter I started seeing tracks around the corn, so I knew they were close by.  With the assistance of a game camera we were able to see them.  There were five and they were coming about 10:30 each evening.  Now I knew when to look for them and I could watch them from my window, but they were difficult to see in the dark.

Well, guess what?  This evening, around dusk, one of my sons happened to look out the window and saw a deer in the yard.  And sure enough, after almost three years of waiting, there was not just one, but two beautiful deer grazing happily away.  The children and I watched from the window for almost 45 minutes before they disappeared into the woods.  What a joy it was to watch them.  

While I was watching them, I was reminded of a beautiful song, "As the Deer" which is based on Psalm 42:1, and written by Martin J. Nystrom,

As the deer panteth for the water
    So my soul longeth after Thee
You alone are my heart's desire
    And I long to worship Thee

You alone are my strength, my shield
    To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
    And I long to worship Thee

You're my friend and You are my brother
    Even though You are a king
And I love You more than any other
    So much more than anything

I want You more than gold or silver
    Only You can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
    And the apple of my eye

Those are such beautiful words.  But I'm going to be brutally honest with you.  There were times after George's death, that I was not too happy with God.  There were times that I just did not long to worship God.  If he was my friend and brother, why would he take my boy?  I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt God had turned His back on me. Just like it was difficult for me to see the deer in the dark, it was difficult for me to see God while I was the dark depths of despair.  But just because I couldn't see him did not mean He wasn't there. 

It was months and months before I realized that while I was in the deepest darkest place imaginable, that He alone had been my strength and my shield and had carried me out of the place I was in and back into the light.   And at some point I rediscovered that He alone is the "real joy giver" so that even in the midst of suffering and sadness we can smile.  I'm so glad that God never stops loving us and that His love for us does not change - He cannot love us more than he does and He cannot love us less that He does.  And that, my friend, is something we can count on!  Remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy

George With Fawn