Triggers - Ready or Not Here They Come!

One thing I learned when going through foster to adopt training was that children who are adopted will have triggers that we know nothing about.  All of the children we fostered and/or adopted were county adoptions.  Most of them came as infants from one day old to age 3.  Children are placed in foster care for their protection.  Because much of their abuse or neglect occurred at such an earlier age, they are unable to verbally tell you when something has triggered a memory.  Their "acting out" can come from triggers from any number of things - none of which we are aware of.  It may be a smell, a taste, a sound, a song, a look we have on our face, a book, there are just too many to mention.

And, so it is when we have experienced the loss of a loved one.  We too have suffered trauma.  There are going to be triggers that can cause us to "act out" in any number of ways.  Maybe tears come on unexpectedly, maybe anger, maybe frustration, maybe increased depression or anxiety.  And those triggers can be similar to those of traumatized children. There are triggers such as an overheard conversation that can remind you of your loved one, seeing someone and for a split second thinking you are seeing your loved one, the smell of their aftershave or perfume, a holiday, a movie .... you've been there and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I had put off looking through boxes of photos of George for a couple of  weeks, and then one day, I locked myself in the closet where they were, and started going through them.  Oh my, triggers and bullets were flying all over the place - I was angry, I was grief stricken, I was happy, I was all over the place emotionally.  I cried, and cried, and cried as I went through those things.  And as I touched and held some of his baby clothes and tiny shoes that I had packed away for him to have someday, I remember wanting to curl up in a ball and just go to sleep.  

I was so emotionally drained during the weeks of trying to take care of the children and preparing for a long distance move, that on the weekends when my husband was home, I slept.  I would sleep away an entire morning, sometimes not getting up until noon or after.  If I was asleep there would be no questions to answer, no triggers being pulled back and no painful bullet piercing through my heart.  I feel blessed to have had those two days each week that I could sleep as long as I wanted.  

I avoided going to Sunday School and church - remember, I was a bit unhappy with God,  and I wanted to avoid being around people I knew - for some reason, I just could not handle it.  And I didn't want to hear songs of praise and I didn't want to hear any messages of hope.  I was starting to shut down.  Those two months before we moved kept me busy enough that I didn't go into total shut down. Having things to keep me busy was good, but eventually I would have to deal with what had happened.  

We can't avoid the triggers because most of them come out of nowhere.  But I do think we can learn to allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that they bring.  And I don't think they will ever stop coming our way.  But I do believe that at some point in our journey of grief, the triggers begin to evoke a more positive reaction, we might even find ourselves smiling!  

Oh my friends, be patient with yourselves wherever you are on your journey, and do your best to "Rest in the Lord; wait patiently for him to act."  Psalm 37:7a (TLB) And don't lose hope, because there is

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy