Haunted

One question that kept haunting me was whether or not had George suffered.  Was his death instantaneous or were there a few moments after he was cut completely through when he knew what had happened? Even though the friend who was with him said he died instantly, I still wondered if perhaps his brain was still functioning.  And if so, what was he thinking.  A parent never, ever, wants her child to suffer.  So, I asked doctors their opinion.  Several doctors gave me, for the most part, the same answer. They did not believe he suffered.  Did I believe them?  I really wanted to. But I continued to struggle with it.  And frequently in my mind I would see his death as I was told it happened.  And thoughts of pieces of him being scattered over the highway and in the median made my heart ache.  I didn't mean to think about those things, they just came to me.  

I had children to get enrolled in a new school district, in a new state.  New school supplies and clothes to buy.  (Side note:  I still think a new box of crayons is just the best!)  I had things to keep me busy, but, once they started school, it was back to bed and sleep, I didn't have to think when I was asleep.  And when the children were home in the afternoon I would try to interact with them, but it was so difficult to focus and fully engage.  So let's add guilt to the grief.  I felt like I was being a horrible mother to my children. They were too young to understand all the emotions that I was having to deal with.  

Ok, I have got to take another time out.  I may have to create a page devoted to things not to say to people who have lost a loved one.  Here is one of them, "I'm so sorry for your loss, but at least you still have all these other children." Say WHAT?????  That is just wrong on so many levels.  I know people mean well, but really?? Each child is precious to me.  One or seven cannot replace the one that has died.  They are unique individuals.  Yes, I still have children living, but that doesn't make the loss of my boy any easier. 

I knew that I was in a bad place emotionally.  We were attending church and there were many there who knew George, and they were very kind and it was obvious how much they missed him and how much they had loved him.  They shared little stories with me that would make me smile or bring tears to my eyes.  We have a wonderful church with a wonderful praise team and wonderful pastors.  Those of you who know me, know that I love to sing, I love music, and I've always loved worshiping through music.  But I just couldn't sing along.  And I could barely make it through the entire worship service without tears rolling down my cheeks.

I was in an emotional mess and I needed help.  I had to do something and I couldn't wait much longer. More on that later.  In the meantime, "Be glad for all God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always."  Romans 12:12  TLB  And keep your eyes open - you may catch a ray of sunshine today.  I sure hope so!  Remember, there is

Sunshine After the Storm

Blessings

Betsy